A Few Questions, Fewer Answers, and One Sincere Apology

What does it mean for a life to have meaning? 

What does a human life need to be worthwhile?

Why do some people accumulate large quantities of “stuff,” while others of us do our best to live as simply as possible, with few material belongings burdening us?

Is riding on the nose of my longboard a satisfying enough goal?

What if it were only one goal among others?

I have a lot of questions these days and not many answers.  But I have been learning what I don’t need and don’t want.  I don’t want four full sets of china.  Of this small fact I am certain.  Material items are no measure of what I value. 

I have also learned of some things I do want.  I want good relationships of all kinds, especially friendships.  Yet I continue to damage friendships with much too much frequency; and the demise of a terrific friendship causes me much pain and sorrow.  I want to learn to be happy with what I’ve got, the friendships I might forge, and see the value in all these connections.  How many more times will I push people away, by being demanding and selfish, before I develop love, acceptance, and patience?

This post is for the surfer from Victoria.  A person who lives joyously, in ways I have never before seen in one human.  His purity of happiness is contagious: everyone, men and women and kids and dogs, likely all creatures who cross his path, are drawn to him.  He seems to be free from the sense of self that burdens many of us.  How I want that!  And once again I made the mistake of trying to gain access to something I want by taking it from the person who has it. 

In the past when I met people who were living a life I wanted, or were living in ways I wanted to live, with an attitude of freedom and possibility, I tried to take it from them.  Not take it in a way so that they wouldn't have it anymore, but, because I was unable to create it for myself, I tried to get close enough to someone who had what I wanted so that I might be engulfed into it.  Sort of take the qualities I desired by osmosis, a closeness in proximity.  This doesn’t work. 

Now, through so many changes: sobriety, movement, freedom, and new attitudes and outlook on life, I have created a life I love.  And yet there is still more that I want.  But, as I have experienced in the past, I know that it is not enough to see these things in others, try to get as close as possible to them, and in this way make their attitudes my own.  No, I must cherish these people, hold on to these friendships and connections, and then work on my own evolution from the inside out. 

I am addicted to romance.  Again and again I imagine that I will be swept off my feet by some knight in shining armor, or, in my case, an impossibly adorable surfer guy with a hidden nerdiness.  What I truly want, something real that is more than a fantasy, will take time, and patience, and acceptance.  I must not be in a rush because I will only create struggle for myself and others by trying to make the world into a certain shape in a certain timeframe, which in my case is usually immediately: I want what I want and I want it now.  Ahh, how the old Abigail turns up at the wrong time!  The new Abigail wants to love and cherish all that she has right now: my health, my opportunities, my freedom, my Robert August surfboard, my awesome little doggies, my friends, my mom, and my sobriety.  I am trying to live my life differently today.

And so, an apology.  To the surfer from Victoria: I am so sorry for being selfish and self-seeking.  For thinking only of myself.  For wanting something different than what was offered and not being grateful for what was.  I wish I could do it all over again and not screw it up.  Is there anything I can do to make this right?